Cigarette Burns to Comical Turns

Well, well, welly, welly, welly, wellity, wellity, wellity...

I came up on Monday, went for a for drink on Tuesday, went out again on Wednesday, and on Thursday & Friday & Saturday and out again on Sunday.

But it weren't all expressing myself in corrupted lyrics and Simpson's quotes, no it was extreme anxiety, retching and self harm - which culminated in me putting several cigarettes out on my left hand, on both sides; it looks like a fucking stigmata.

During this crisis I called the faithful old Duty Psychiatrist (well that's what I thought they would be and this was the first time I had used the number) and they couldn't let me talk to anyone and they didn't bother ringing me back. Bear in mind this is a number I given and told to call if I ever felt suicidal again - 24 hours a day - I called in the fucking afternoon!

The woman that answered the phone said "All of our psychiatrists are busy" - which I thought would make a damn good name for documentary about the appalling state of the UKs Mental Health (lack of) Service. So as a good hypomaniac, I intend to make said documentary.

All I need is camera which I can also use as a hidden one. Fuck me over would you - well watch your fucking back if you cross a maniac!


But as always I had to help myself and help I did. I used my knowledge of CBT (which I am still waiting to receive), the comments the psychologist made at my CBT assessment ("You have the greatest capacity for self negation I have ever seen" and "Ha - you belong in a text book") and the awful feelings that I had before, during and around the self harm.

I thunk on all that I did.

And then I had a moment of clarity (I had several that day including how all of the fundamental particle reactions can be explained as the interactions of different shaped tiny quantum knots in space time which were created in the original trauma of the big bang and why they never can be destroyed). Not that one; no, it was the one about my parents and how their conditional love really hurt me and taught me that no one cares for how I feel.

So I get isolated then try to make a connection to get out of that state, but when something goes wrong with it, I get angry with myself for ever being stupid enough to think anyone cares. I feel ashamed, alone and utterly disinterested in the world and everyone on its continued existence. Basically I hate and then I self harm in public as a symbol of that hatred and contempt for other people feelings because they don't care for mine. This often stops that feeling which is what I really want - I do not want to feel like that again. Understanding thus has broken the spell and now I am relaxed, more balanced and happy.

Also I made a new friend this week and we like so get each other - can relax completely around each other, say what ever awful or silly thing we want to and then laugh at it. We have so much in common - most of it our mentals. But then we've only seen each other once and been texting and Facebooking since then, so maybe we have more in common. We are meeting up this week (hopefully) and I think it'll be such a laugh. Actually I was thinking about her tonight (didn't sleep) and I think I am going to ask her to come with me to an open mike comedy night and just do our thing for the audience totally off the cuff. We bounce of each so well and naturally I think it could work.