Hypomanic Zen

An errie kind of calm has descended upon me, I have no anxiety now but I am still hypomanically hyperactive. It feels good, maybe too good. I can surf through a world of experience that previously tugged and pulled at my emotions without mercy. But with new insight I've understood the depths of my anxiety and how it made me react non-constructively to events.

I then decided that the simplest thing to do was to separate myself from all things that cause me anxiety as they compromised my ability to function. I have always been anti-materialist, but I now see the meta-materialism that surrounds us, that had infected me and fed my anxiety. As I said before anxiety is based on the fear of our lack of permanence. So we shore ourselves up with things that make ourselves feel more solid, more permanent, more immortal.

But this is a fallacy, a temporary fix, there is no such thing as permanence, we are all going to die and to fear it damages what time we have. So it just feeds your anxiety, gives you further to fall as the things you surround yourself with are just as fragile, subject to loss and temporary as you. But now we have the meta-materialism of the digital age; shore your sense of self up with a SIM card full of numbers, social networking sites and their pseudo-sociality and all the digital property we download and share.

I realised that my psedo-friends were hurting me and so I deleted every number in my mobile phone of someone who makes me feel insecure due to the imbalance in our relationship. Now if they text me I will reply but then delete the number again - thereby removing the terrible anxiety of expectation.

Don't expect, you can't expect, do as you are happy to do and then take what is given, don't expect - it'll fuck you up.