Giving Up Getting Better

So I went a bit crazy, what with the condition, the being told about it, reading to much information about it and being anxious about it all as technically I'm still normal - no diagnosis, right.

Bad times where had, I ran to the doctor once, begged to be seen, then cried into my hands till the saw me and told me; no I wasn't slipping into full mania psychosis, you can't do that and worry about it at the same time, that is sort of the problem, no I had just been worrying too much about being bipolar and worked myself up into a total state.

I worried too much about how I was affecting my friends and family and they said I needn't worry I was being normal. But anxiety, feelings of weakness, feelings of a loss of control, terror at being abandoned by the few people you see as "getting" you underlies most of the worst bipolar behaviour.

Basically it got to the point where someone gave me a slap because I was being so annoying. Now maybe they have their own issues, maybe it was all my fault, but I learned something. I was sitting on the floor in a state of shock and disbelief - which weirdly I was in before I was hit. And it hit me, no, not them again, they were showing a lot of remorse at the time, the sudden insight hit me.

What I took from the painful mess of trying to get around the awkwardness of being hit by one of my best friends - is that in trying to be normal and compensate for my "condition" I was making things worse, both my anxiety and my hypomanic state - and I was getting hit. Like what the fuck? I realised that I should just give up trying to fight it and just do what I felt was right and take responsibility when it went wrong.

The plan seems to be working, I haven't been hit in days. I've stopped thinking of myself as having a disease and realised that I just inhabit the outer limits of the human psychological experience. This is me and I'm only a real nightmare when I am anxious, so I'm trying to weed all of that crap of my mind and just go....


....full fucking tilt into my life.